Change

It seems to be the theme of our marriage. Of our life. Deployment. Babies. Going from 2 incomes to 1. House projects to make room for babies. Musical rooms. More babies. And now entrepreneurship. He’s been working towards this for nearly 5 years, whether he realized it the entire time or not. Whether we’ve realized it or not. But the time has come. The time to reflect on what brought us to this point.

The time to enjoy the fruits of his labor. The fruits of our labor. 😉 (Because this most definitely was a team effort.)

One of my most favorite things (and there are many) about Dean working for himself and having him home so much more are the conversations we have. Sadly, when 1 is working 2 jobs and the other is aching to the bone with fatigue from caring for 4 little ones and carrying another, quality conversations had become a luxury. Any conversations had become a luxury. But now. Ahhhh, it’s as if we are courting again. To have long, deep talks over a glass of wine while we load the dishwasher (never mind it’s at 11pm) or just sit in the quiet of the evening holding hands. Or even a short chat with a lot of belly laughs while we help each other wrestle 2 (or 3) babes into their beds for naps right smack in the middle of the day is so…. fulfilling to the core! Perhaps I love it so much because it has united us emotionally on a brand new level and in this current stage of carrying for and parenting our 5 little ones. And it takes me back to when it was just the 2 of us. Where our story began.

We’ve been sharing so much about things we are learning on our individual journey. About Chersterton’s life and writings. About St. Therese’s life and writings. (She is rocking my world right now) About the meaning of freedom and beauty and goodness. About truth. About our hopes and dreams for our future. For our children’s future. About the direction of our family.

And as much as I resisted the idea and fought the timing and feared the possible outcome, I have to say, I am loving everything about this change. It has been so so good for our marriage. So good for our children. So good for our relationships.

But let me assure you, it was not one of those picture perfect moments gazing into each others’ eyes while I professed my love and confidence in him, joint decisions. Oh nooo…..It was very much an “I have to do this or I’m going to have a nervous breakdown” decision as I remember giving him a look where I could almost feel the fiery darts leaving my eyeballs. Yes, shamefully, I am the 1st to admit I was not the most supportive wife. I remember so vividly that while I prayed for a sign, while I pleaded for some peace, the most pervading thought that kept creeping back into the forefront of my mind multiple times per day (or hour) was “How can you put these little ones at risk???”

And yet, while we had met with all the right people, beaten the possible scenarios to a pulp, talked finances until we were blue in the face,  I wanted so badly to hold onto the control that I thought I deserved, and the pride that I knew what was best.  But the Lord was asking me to let go of it all: all the worries, the concerns, the fear. To lay it all down at the foot of His cross. To consider the idea that He was in control, that He was guiding my husband, that He is the ultimate provider of our family anyway. To trust yet again. Wholeheartedly. And to let the idea resonate within me that perhaps, this would be what was best for my husband. For our family.

That this was exactly what we needed.

And so, here we are almost 4 months later. Now, and only now, can we joke about that period of tension. Only now, can we reflect on all the past mistakes, resentment and lack of forgiveness that played very much into such a stressful period leading up to perhaps the most difficult decision we have made up to this point in our journey.  Only now, can we marvel at all the people God used to speak to us, both individually and as a couple, either in support of, or in discouragement of our decision.  Only now, can we see so clearly how St Therese has been interceding for us in a very special way because 9 years ago on her feast day we made our vows to each other, but more importantly, to our Almighty. And 9 years later, on her feast day, Dean submitted his resignation letter and we let go of our notion of “security” to trust His bigger plan. And only now can we stand in awe that all the disunity, the friction, the time apart, the tears, the heartache, the loneliness, the misunderstandings, the desolation, the fatigue and all the sacrifices have culminated and been transformed into such an incredible unity, strength and peace that is felt right on down to the littlest one.

(Speaking of Miss Yvette, isn’t it neat to see what her hair has done in just a couple months?)

When I stop and really think about, it is such an incredible gift our Lord has given to us (which came with a whole lot of hard work) to have nearly complete flexibility to structure our day how we see best for our family. To sit together every single morning with our coffee and greet the little ones 1 by 1 as they file out of their rooms and into the living room; To witness their faces light up as we sing our morning hymn interrupted by 2 year old Amelie shouting “one more time!” in her raspy, little voice; To say our prayers together, and to work together as one unit setting the goals and expectations for every single one of us for the day. To be so very present to them in these most crucial years of formation. And even if I don’t need it or utilize his help enough, just to know Dean’s office (aka “It’s a Grind”) is just a hop, skip and a jump away and I can get a hold of him at any point in the day makes all the difference in the world. Receiving messages throughout the day checking in, offering help, and exchanging jokes is a luxury we never had before (when he was locked up in the dungeon or just too darn busy juggling a full-time job and a business).  I just love his involvement and he loves to be such an intimate part of our day.

We keep looking at each other half jokingly saying “Ok, so what’s the catch?” And while we know there will be downs with the ups, for now, we are simply relishing in this stage. Praising God for showing us just how much He loves us and desires to align our wills to His and bless us beyond measure. Delighting in our children. And truly learning from our little ones how to joyfully live in the present moment!

Please keep us in your prayers, as we both have a feeling there is much more change to come! All for the Glory of God!

St Therese of the Child Jesus, Pray for Us!!!